Posts (page 3)

been depressed.

ele's mom reads 'fortunes'.

said i was someone who actually can have an ok life, but i just make it very complicated.

pretty true sometimes.

we all get down sometimes, but i stay in it, cos it's self-imposed.

i thought i got over it already, but i've returned to it again.

self-imposed depressive melancholy, revisited.

it sucks.

Which person from your past, who you've lost touch with, do you wonder about the most? 
Submitted by ancora impara.

hog.

i am so utterly disappointed with the video. srsly. i was in love with the song. i was anticipating the video. something classy, something heartfelt. NOT SLUTS parading around in lingerie! and why is there so little mel c? you can't even give more of her in her solo bit? and did victoria beckham (and geri maybe) pay them to get more screen time?

anyway, emma looks great. melc too. my 2 favourites. who is your favourite spice girl?

eta: oh, right. they were sponsered by victoria's secret. ah.

This semester began quite well, but that only lasted for like the first 4 weeks?

And then I couldn't sustain it.

I have never been able to manage my time, cope with school!

I've never really been on top of things.

With each project, it's most difficult to begin. It can take me weeks to begin.
When I'm into it, I'm so driven and hardworking for that short span.
And after crashing through it, and it's done, I'm left with this empty feeling,
dad calls it the anti-climax thing, the law of diminishing returns.
and it takes me a while to recooperate.

i experienced that with olympics, the zine - the two i've worked so hard for.
i couldn't start on my zine last week. on thur/fri i had no school and was supposed to do it, but i had like no mood. no discipline. or. i just wouldn't do it. i was like self-conscious and judgemental of my work i guess. and i'm like a perfectionist. it took my dad really 'threatening' me, forcing me to do it by saturday noon that got me rushing through the night. and that push got me into it. i really need pushing ah. and then sat/sun i was so happy with my zine and so proud of it. and then i completed it just now, and the emptiness crept in. it was fresh but now it's stale. i'm sick of it! i started to judge myself. it's not as nice as i thought it was. ahh! nothing lasts! and i get sick of things easily.

i guess i get too attached to my projects, like they are my babies!
and the energy i put into them could be cut in half lah.
i need to detach myself from the projects. at least cut my attachment in half. or else cannot progress much. shouldn't cling onto things for too long.
i dunno.
but i know i could be suicidal like van gogh, because life is so frustrating for me.

i read blogs of people who seem so blissful. i've never felt close to that leh.

i am also majorly indecisive. this is why it takes me forever to decide on an idea for a project, or even the little things like the color for a tiny thing. and this is why i put off projects. when i can't decide or come up with something that satisfies me, i give up and go to sleep or procrastinate in another way. "if it's not good, i won't do it" kinda mentality?! weird eh. i have MAJOR HIGH EXPECTATIONS! and not like my work is damm good. i mean, i can guanrantee that if i look back at my work in five years time, i would find them pretty blah. but ya lah. i think i take a lot of pride in my work. i want to be the best but i'm not the best. i'm trying too hard! i do it for the wrong reasons. i enjoy the compliments. "wah so good!..". so since i have such a 'standard', i can't lower myself. i can't do shit work. so i always have to up my game. i won't show shit work! i'm pretentious! but then again, i'm not really upping my game. i'm just staying SAFE. yes. my olympics project was considered SAFE. i didn't try very hard for the posters, cos i suck at posters. i did something SAFE and it was well recieved. whew. i hope there is demand for people who do SAFE work!

i admire kids a lot. when we are young we are daring and don't care about what people say. we make shit work and are not self-conscious. we can experiment beyond our comfort zones. and most of all, we have fun and are not stressed by it at all. i wanna go back to that. i don't wanna be so perfect.

there. i have come clean. be disgusted with me if you may.

and i used a lot of 'i' in this essay.

grrr

please make everything better.

[hm. i'm a little emo these days]

i know there are skeptics out there who are judgemental of christians when they blog about god and stuff, are there? well, i kinda am one of those skeptics. cos well, there are just some so called christians who don't seem to be on the right track, but anyway, it's not for me to judge.

well so, i'll be talking about christ pretty often in my blog. 

and before you judge me, here's my stand:

i am but a lost girl in this big world.
i am seeking christ pretty much because of the christians that have left honorable impressions on me. they are happy and friendly, and seem to be able to cope with life, despite the setbacks. they are giving and never selfish, and it's just so pleasant to be around them. and i wanna be like them. i wanna spread peace and love to people. because the world is just so full of anger and misunderstanding and disruption. i don't like that, do you? it disheartens me. such things only lead to nasty feelings inside. a bit of it is normal to keep the balance, but i think it's getting too much.

christianity is a big part of my life. it's the reason i live. [or try to live]
life isn't worth living otherwise.
i just want to live my life well.
i know i am not perfect.
i am still growing, and this is when others judge us the most.
christians are not perfect. please don't prejudge us.

and i'm not gonna be like an over-zealous christian who asks everyone to go to church. nope. i can't help others if i haven't helped myself. so i'll just work on myself. like, if you were a baby learning to walk, you can't help another baby to walk. so yeah. consider me a baby. although, i've been a baby too long. it is rather embarassing, discouraging and scary - cos the bible also censures me about it! argh. but i have my issues to deal with.

it's not easy to transit from 20 years of ordeal, and change into a butterfly overnight. there's a lot of work to do. and it gets harder the older you get. it is so much harder to unlearn bad habits, forget bad memories, hurts, scars. (i've experienced the world. it's all about temporal pleasures, but permanent wounds.) i don't wanna wait till it's like too late. like i'm an old lady, and then i decide to 'follow christ'. what a waste of a lifetime.

yes, quite so true. i think the bible promises us much greatness, overcome-ness, if we follow christ. and so i want to tap into those promises. how to? read the bible i guess. talk about the bible. listen to people talk about the bible. ah. i get it now.

What are some things that are worth (and not worth) spending money on? 
Submitted by pinejar.

not worth: a sandwich at a cafe, a drink at coffee bean.

worth: an epilator, hehe.

i like it rare, hehe. as in, half cooked. and soggy.

the little things in life - mom making me breakfast at night - french toast [supper] at 1130pm.

mymommylovesme.

i wanna watch the tracey fragments! argh. [anything with ellen page, cept for x-men, is oober awesome.]

but i don't think it's coming so soon. it's still 'touring' canada and US. argh.

but i was tempted. and i can't control myself.

i went to the website.

and discovered that they are making available all the original footage from the shoots!

ZOMG!

it's for a video-editing competition [only for canadian, darn. but oh well, i can't video edit anyway!]

so i'm downloading [SO legally] the 4 parts x 4gig of video ahahahaha!

but i won't watch the footage till i see the film! [how? i don't know.]

eta: kay. since the competition is till jan 2008, i shall only download the videos after school ends, sob. [shouldn't have went to the website. blah!] must prioritise!