1 post tagged “bad day”

the day after snappy died i was kinna flustered about stuff. i did something stupid and was moody the entire day. i even feared that depression would seep in.

what happened was that this is week 2, and we missed class last week cos of orientation. and our lecturer did not tell us what to bring for the afternoon class. so in the morning he came to us and told us to bring some materials - paper and cutters and cutting board. so my classmates decided to go buy from artfriend, bo pian. never bring mah.

i, however, felt that i wanted to go home, to get my library books with research on paper sculpture and such. so i took a cab home and back. cost me $30. in the end it was a waste of money. cos we only did simple experimental stuff. used our imagination. i tried to follow the steps to do an origami from my book but got stuck at one step. it was too complicated. so i ditched the books. urgh. so the rest of the lesson i was feeling so upset that i went all the way home. i felt so tired. and yah...my books were heavy too. it's one of those bad days. even when i reached home i also felt horrible. i felt dumb. i made a mistake. why did god let me make that mistake? why didn't he warn me? hmm. i don't know.

anyway, thank goodness, the stress level has reduced today. and i'm feeling better. still a bit tense. getting pretty stressed with school. cos it's really not exactly my thing. two lecturers had begun their lessons asking us to introduce ourselves and why we joined this course and i was tongue tied. well, i wasn't. i just made up a story. i kinna lied. or tried to decieve myself. persuade myself to believe something. i just can not stand up there and really proclaim that i am doing this course cos i'm all passionate about it. that i love it to death. i can't. i'm not one of those hardcore ones. in fact i'm just going through the motions. but well, i'm trying so hard not to be negative about it lah.

i can draw. i can be creative. so i guess i hope god uses me for his purpose. his perfect will for my life. even if it means letting go of my dreams, and replacing them with new dreams, new targets, new goals. maybe he knows better. it's just. i like to draw, but i get really stressed up about drawing for clients. i rather do my own thing. create my own cartoon. me, me, me. i don't want to do commerical stuff! so boring! i just hope that if i'm asked to do commercial stuff, it would be to do it in my illustration style. mel, could you please illustrate this with a cartoon? then yes, i'll be more interested. argh. this course is really xiong. i always knew it. and i didn't decided. so maybe i should have done animation. but i didn't decided. i just got washed around by the waves. ah see i'm thinking too mucho again.

i'm also getting tired. i'm thankful for a good timetable with friday off and two days of afternoon class. but i have morning classes on monday and tuesday and those are my weakest days. i dunno. i'm pretty unfit so i don't have much energy. i tend to feel sleepy easily. i'm not sure if my meds are also contributing to my tiredness, it's a possibility. i need my 8 hours. i know it's a lot and i doubt that designers can get so much so i dunno what to do.

so please pray for me. that i can cope with school and that i will make good decisions. and that things will fall into place. that i won't lose my sketchbook. i'm so worried about that cos i keep running around. and that i will have a more positive outlook. that i will be more confident about becoming a designer. that i will have strength to push on even when the going gets tough. and to not be afraid of anything. some of my classmates are even afraid of doing presentation. i once was. but it's something they have to learn, cos or else how to propose concept to client? aiyoooh! ok then. yah. things like that la.