24 posts tagged “depression”

i have no where to turn.

i have no constant.

what should i do?

yeah i have a few friends.

but i know that they don't enjoy my neediness.

so i hold back.

feeling blue again. i think i haven't been myself lately. i've always behaved differently around different people. is that alright? when i'm with my ang moh friends, i try to speak more eloquently. with my chinese friends i try to use simplier engrish. so. i'm not being myself and when i come home, i feel uncomfortable. i dunno. or maybe. it's not this. something else is bothering me...

so many things. usually when i immerse myself in schoolwork, i don't feel so much for these things...whatever they are...but i haven't been working since last night. yes. was out last night and tonight. so no work done. so maybe that is it. i am guilty.

i just feel blue.

i think i am depressed. i dunno what is wrong with me.

i can be having a conversation with a person and then i hear something that i don't enjoy hearing and it triggers something in me. and i suddenly don't know how to react but have to keep it inside.

my head hurts. i'm feeling much pain.

i need to start blogging again but i don't like this blog so much now. hm. or. i dunno. i feel like my blog is netsam. wasting space on vox.

anyway.

school is out and i took it as a green card to hang out with my bed and com you know. but then dad got mad. really mad. it isn't real, he said. it's only temporal. but i like it. i think.

i dunno.

now i'm just feeling guilty about playing.

i'm tired. everytime they scold me i picture myself at the top of a building and jumping. but i won't do it. i hope not. it's just that life is so painful for me. i dunno what's going on. i hate it. i don't wanna live.

been depressed.

ele's mom reads 'fortunes'.

said i was someone who actually can have an ok life, but i just make it very complicated.

pretty true sometimes.

we all get down sometimes, but i stay in it, cos it's self-imposed.

i thought i got over it already, but i've returned to it again.

self-imposed depressive melancholy, revisited.

it sucks.

This semester began quite well, but that only lasted for like the first 4 weeks?

And then I couldn't sustain it.

I have never been able to manage my time, cope with school!

I've never really been on top of things.

With each project, it's most difficult to begin. It can take me weeks to begin.
When I'm into it, I'm so driven and hardworking for that short span.
And after crashing through it, and it's done, I'm left with this empty feeling,
dad calls it the anti-climax thing, the law of diminishing returns.
and it takes me a while to recooperate.

i experienced that with olympics, the zine - the two i've worked so hard for.
i couldn't start on my zine last week. on thur/fri i had no school and was supposed to do it, but i had like no mood. no discipline. or. i just wouldn't do it. i was like self-conscious and judgemental of my work i guess. and i'm like a perfectionist. it took my dad really 'threatening' me, forcing me to do it by saturday noon that got me rushing through the night. and that push got me into it. i really need pushing ah. and then sat/sun i was so happy with my zine and so proud of it. and then i completed it just now, and the emptiness crept in. it was fresh but now it's stale. i'm sick of it! i started to judge myself. it's not as nice as i thought it was. ahh! nothing lasts! and i get sick of things easily.

i guess i get too attached to my projects, like they are my babies!
and the energy i put into them could be cut in half lah.
i need to detach myself from the projects. at least cut my attachment in half. or else cannot progress much. shouldn't cling onto things for too long.
i dunno.
but i know i could be suicidal like van gogh, because life is so frustrating for me.

i read blogs of people who seem so blissful. i've never felt close to that leh.

i am also majorly indecisive. this is why it takes me forever to decide on an idea for a project, or even the little things like the color for a tiny thing. and this is why i put off projects. when i can't decide or come up with something that satisfies me, i give up and go to sleep or procrastinate in another way. "if it's not good, i won't do it" kinda mentality?! weird eh. i have MAJOR HIGH EXPECTATIONS! and not like my work is damm good. i mean, i can guanrantee that if i look back at my work in five years time, i would find them pretty blah. but ya lah. i think i take a lot of pride in my work. i want to be the best but i'm not the best. i'm trying too hard! i do it for the wrong reasons. i enjoy the compliments. "wah so good!..". so since i have such a 'standard', i can't lower myself. i can't do shit work. so i always have to up my game. i won't show shit work! i'm pretentious! but then again, i'm not really upping my game. i'm just staying SAFE. yes. my olympics project was considered SAFE. i didn't try very hard for the posters, cos i suck at posters. i did something SAFE and it was well recieved. whew. i hope there is demand for people who do SAFE work!

i admire kids a lot. when we are young we are daring and don't care about what people say. we make shit work and are not self-conscious. we can experiment beyond our comfort zones. and most of all, we have fun and are not stressed by it at all. i wanna go back to that. i don't wanna be so perfect.

there. i have come clean. be disgusted with me if you may.

and i used a lot of 'i' in this essay.

please make everything better.

[hm. i'm a little emo these days]

i know there are skeptics out there who are judgemental of christians when they blog about god and stuff, are there? well, i kinda am one of those skeptics. cos well, there are just some so called christians who don't seem to be on the right track, but anyway, it's not for me to judge.

well so, i'll be talking about christ pretty often in my blog. 

and before you judge me, here's my stand:

i am but a lost girl in this big world.
i am seeking christ pretty much because of the christians that have left honorable impressions on me. they are happy and friendly, and seem to be able to cope with life, despite the setbacks. they are giving and never selfish, and it's just so pleasant to be around them. and i wanna be like them. i wanna spread peace and love to people. because the world is just so full of anger and misunderstanding and disruption. i don't like that, do you? it disheartens me. such things only lead to nasty feelings inside. a bit of it is normal to keep the balance, but i think it's getting too much.

christianity is a big part of my life. it's the reason i live. [or try to live]
life isn't worth living otherwise.
i just want to live my life well.
i know i am not perfect.
i am still growing, and this is when others judge us the most.
christians are not perfect. please don't prejudge us.

and i'm not gonna be like an over-zealous christian who asks everyone to go to church. nope. i can't help others if i haven't helped myself. so i'll just work on myself. like, if you were a baby learning to walk, you can't help another baby to walk. so yeah. consider me a baby. although, i've been a baby too long. it is rather embarassing, discouraging and scary - cos the bible also censures me about it! argh. but i have my issues to deal with.

it's not easy to transit from 20 years of ordeal, and change into a butterfly overnight. there's a lot of work to do. and it gets harder the older you get. it is so much harder to unlearn bad habits, forget bad memories, hurts, scars. (i've experienced the world. it's all about temporal pleasures, but permanent wounds.) i don't wanna wait till it's like too late. like i'm an old lady, and then i decide to 'follow christ'. what a waste of a lifetime.

yes, quite so true. i think the bible promises us much greatness, overcome-ness, if we follow christ. and so i want to tap into those promises. how to? read the bible i guess. talk about the bible. listen to people talk about the bible. ah. i get it now.

tired.

burnt out?

the day after snappy died i was kinna flustered about stuff. i did something stupid and was moody the entire day. i even feared that depression would seep in.

what happened was that this is week 2, and we missed class last week cos of orientation. and our lecturer did not tell us what to bring for the afternoon class. so in the morning he came to us and told us to bring some materials - paper and cutters and cutting board. so my classmates decided to go buy from artfriend, bo pian. never bring mah.

i, however, felt that i wanted to go home, to get my library books with research on paper sculpture and such. so i took a cab home and back. cost me $30. in the end it was a waste of money. cos we only did simple experimental stuff. used our imagination. i tried to follow the steps to do an origami from my book but got stuck at one step. it was too complicated. so i ditched the books. urgh. so the rest of the lesson i was feeling so upset that i went all the way home. i felt so tired. and yah...my books were heavy too. it's one of those bad days. even when i reached home i also felt horrible. i felt dumb. i made a mistake. why did god let me make that mistake? why didn't he warn me? hmm. i don't know.

anyway, thank goodness, the stress level has reduced today. and i'm feeling better. still a bit tense. getting pretty stressed with school. cos it's really not exactly my thing. two lecturers had begun their lessons asking us to introduce ourselves and why we joined this course and i was tongue tied. well, i wasn't. i just made up a story. i kinna lied. or tried to decieve myself. persuade myself to believe something. i just can not stand up there and really proclaim that i am doing this course cos i'm all passionate about it. that i love it to death. i can't. i'm not one of those hardcore ones. in fact i'm just going through the motions. but well, i'm trying so hard not to be negative about it lah.

i can draw. i can be creative. so i guess i hope god uses me for his purpose. his perfect will for my life. even if it means letting go of my dreams, and replacing them with new dreams, new targets, new goals. maybe he knows better. it's just. i like to draw, but i get really stressed up about drawing for clients. i rather do my own thing. create my own cartoon. me, me, me. i don't want to do commerical stuff! so boring! i just hope that if i'm asked to do commercial stuff, it would be to do it in my illustration style. mel, could you please illustrate this with a cartoon? then yes, i'll be more interested. argh. this course is really xiong. i always knew it. and i didn't decided. so maybe i should have done animation. but i didn't decided. i just got washed around by the waves. ah see i'm thinking too mucho again.

i'm also getting tired. i'm thankful for a good timetable with friday off and two days of afternoon class. but i have morning classes on monday and tuesday and those are my weakest days. i dunno. i'm pretty unfit so i don't have much energy. i tend to feel sleepy easily. i'm not sure if my meds are also contributing to my tiredness, it's a possibility. i need my 8 hours. i know it's a lot and i doubt that designers can get so much so i dunno what to do.

so please pray for me. that i can cope with school and that i will make good decisions. and that things will fall into place. that i won't lose my sketchbook. i'm so worried about that cos i keep running around. and that i will have a more positive outlook. that i will be more confident about becoming a designer. that i will have strength to push on even when the going gets tough. and to not be afraid of anything. some of my classmates are even afraid of doing presentation. i once was. but it's something they have to learn, cos or else how to propose concept to client? aiyoooh! ok then. yah. things like that la.

this is tagged under depression but i'm not depressed.
i'm just thinking realistically.
feeling so crappy.
i'm not good enough.
so maybe i should kiss singing goodbye.
maybe i should kiss art goodbye.
life is unfair.
is god being unfair?
what is my purpose?