7 posts tagged “sad”

the day after snappy died i was kinna flustered about stuff. i did something stupid and was moody the entire day. i even feared that depression would seep in.

what happened was that this is week 2, and we missed class last week cos of orientation. and our lecturer did not tell us what to bring for the afternoon class. so in the morning he came to us and told us to bring some materials - paper and cutters and cutting board. so my classmates decided to go buy from artfriend, bo pian. never bring mah.

i, however, felt that i wanted to go home, to get my library books with research on paper sculpture and such. so i took a cab home and back. cost me $30. in the end it was a waste of money. cos we only did simple experimental stuff. used our imagination. i tried to follow the steps to do an origami from my book but got stuck at one step. it was too complicated. so i ditched the books. urgh. so the rest of the lesson i was feeling so upset that i went all the way home. i felt so tired. and yah...my books were heavy too. it's one of those bad days. even when i reached home i also felt horrible. i felt dumb. i made a mistake. why did god let me make that mistake? why didn't he warn me? hmm. i don't know.

anyway, thank goodness, the stress level has reduced today. and i'm feeling better. still a bit tense. getting pretty stressed with school. cos it's really not exactly my thing. two lecturers had begun their lessons asking us to introduce ourselves and why we joined this course and i was tongue tied. well, i wasn't. i just made up a story. i kinna lied. or tried to decieve myself. persuade myself to believe something. i just can not stand up there and really proclaim that i am doing this course cos i'm all passionate about it. that i love it to death. i can't. i'm not one of those hardcore ones. in fact i'm just going through the motions. but well, i'm trying so hard not to be negative about it lah.

i can draw. i can be creative. so i guess i hope god uses me for his purpose. his perfect will for my life. even if it means letting go of my dreams, and replacing them with new dreams, new targets, new goals. maybe he knows better. it's just. i like to draw, but i get really stressed up about drawing for clients. i rather do my own thing. create my own cartoon. me, me, me. i don't want to do commerical stuff! so boring! i just hope that if i'm asked to do commercial stuff, it would be to do it in my illustration style. mel, could you please illustrate this with a cartoon? then yes, i'll be more interested. argh. this course is really xiong. i always knew it. and i didn't decided. so maybe i should have done animation. but i didn't decided. i just got washed around by the waves. ah see i'm thinking too mucho again.

i'm also getting tired. i'm thankful for a good timetable with friday off and two days of afternoon class. but i have morning classes on monday and tuesday and those are my weakest days. i dunno. i'm pretty unfit so i don't have much energy. i tend to feel sleepy easily. i'm not sure if my meds are also contributing to my tiredness, it's a possibility. i need my 8 hours. i know it's a lot and i doubt that designers can get so much so i dunno what to do.

so please pray for me. that i can cope with school and that i will make good decisions. and that things will fall into place. that i won't lose my sketchbook. i'm so worried about that cos i keep running around. and that i will have a more positive outlook. that i will be more confident about becoming a designer. that i will have strength to push on even when the going gets tough. and to not be afraid of anything. some of my classmates are even afraid of doing presentation. i once was. but it's something they have to learn, cos or else how to propose concept to client? aiyoooh! ok then. yah. things like that la.

this is a thought that may sometimes pass by and get forgotten.

i'm pretty sure part of me wants to stay unhappy. and not let myself be happy. cos i was unhappy for so long, being happy is unfamilar. so when i'm happy, sometimes i (subconsciously) do stuff that will jeopardise my happiness.

some people don't know this, but i'm actually a very unsociable person.

i'm okay with the people i've known for a long time like my family, and i need them.

but i don't really like chatting people up, making new friends, etc.

it's a big effort on my part.

i'm one of those emo kids who declare in my diary "people suck!"

i really do think so.

i am really socially backward.

i have a lot of trouble carrying on a conversation.

i feel so awkward.

i rather stay at home.

meeting people can be interesting.

and it is a normal part of life.

it is also especially essential to my future career.

but i have this history, that is difficult to explain to some people.

most people think i'm 17. fresh out of secondary school, and now in lasalle.

but then i have to tell them the truth and it bites at me.

i'm not 17. (i screwed up 6 years of my life) i did "some other stuff" before i went to lasalle...

and i have many layers i reveal to people slowly. and some i think i won't reveal.

"oh. yeah. by the way, i suffer from clinical depression and i'm on meds."

"oh, and i attempted suicide twice before, because i hated life so much."

"for your information, i still hate life. my life is still screwed cos i actually wanna be an actress and not a designer, but due to whatever weixin terms "providence", i am not studying acting."

tonight i'm thinking again about making a trip to the therapist.

lots of things to sort out.

stuff that i can't deal with god alone.

cos sometimes i get really angry at god.

i was a mess.

i still am a mess.

i seem fine, but i'm just getting by.

i don't want to spoil people's moods by showing my pain.

so i appear cheerful on the outside.

i don't know when will i be able to say "i'm doing good."

nowadays, i still say "i'm doing better"

and sometimes "bad"

but to people i hardly know, i lie and say "i'm fine", because it's not really a question. it's just a greeting.

i guess some of us are just. sad.

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oh last night my dream was pretty emo as well. i was like in school and doing a lit exam and i couldn't do it. and i was really pissed and i got up and stormed away. then there were fragments of me like just destroying things. throwing things, venting my anger. i didn't want to study design. i suck! i hate everything. i hate everybody. i like to destroy things. the sound of a plate shattering feels nice to me. i feel like my anger dissipates with that plate. my tension releases. but i need to find another way. oh i feel so trapped.

hi. i am affected again. i'm starting to figure myself out more and more.

today's the first day of chinese new year and i meet two new people at the annual gathering at my auntie's place. my cousin's girlfriend and the latter's sister. and they are like ah-moh la - they are like hawaiian chinese. my auntie's family is quite well to do one la. i mean my cousins. and they are very cultured lah. higher class. i'm about middle, near high but not there yet, or don't know if i ever will be there. my nephew wears like baby guess and everything expensive one man. one cousin is a lawyer, and another a pilot. and they have mooooolah.

anyway. well. i just tend to feel rather uneasy meeting new people. i'm pretty insecure. so these two hawaiians england belly good one la. and they are confident, witty women. and it's not easy to converse with them without feeling inferior. and i was just feeling so awkward. i wasn't able to carry on a conversation very well. like they would talk about something and i would be like "oh. right. ok. neat." full stop. i got a bit spaced and couldn't reply with anything interesting. i think reddy is right. i AM boring. i'm rather uptight. i hate that about myself. anyway. i just wasn't happy when i left. like there was a part of me that i wanted to express to them but it was oppressed by my fear. like you find the person so superior to you that your confidence diminishes in their presence. i feel like i showed them a really shy image of myself, and. well. who likes shy people? people are more attracted to confident and funny people. so. yeah. i feel like i blew it. it kills me.

but it doesn't matter that i blew it. it's how i feel now. i just feel like a failure. i don't know why. that's just how i feel. i feel like i have shrunk into a tiny little nothing, and there's a lot of emptiness in my heart as well. like. a numbness. this word - 'numbness' - validates my depression, so my counsellor seems to think. so. what's up? like hl tan says, there's like a stone in my heart. a pain i can't erase. a mel that wants so badly to burst out, but has been holding back for years. is still holding back. and suffering in silence.

all i've been telling myself all day is 'i have tonnes of work to do'. 'tis true, but thinking like that is really draining me. sunday was burnt at the rents' church. i auditioned for their large-scale musical for july and there was a meeting so i went down. have to admit my heart sunk after the meeting. i was hoping, maybe, maybe, i would get one of the lead roles, and not! not! a friggin' auca! (tribe in eucador). so when i looked at the cast sheet and saw my name under 'aucas', i was devestated. guess it's pride. my desire to be praised & boast of my apparently well-recieved vocals.

anyway. i've been swamped with a pile up of school work. it's getting me really discouraged. it's okay if it's my own work but i have two group projects this term and i have to keep up with their schedule and i'm really running behind time...sigh. really. i thought i was doing well. i really can't have extra-curriculum. and i can't laze around so much. or surf the web so much. so i was thinking if i should pull out of the musical, for rehersals will be pretty intensive. decisions, decision. pouring out my sorrows. oh!

fenver has returned after a long week of absence. i thought he was still mad at me but after clarification, it was back to the the same 'ol, same 'ol - he challenging me with his blunt & sarcastic comments, and using my tools again. what a relief.

3d class was discouraging. it was slack, as usual. i don't like slack classes. like. when i can't get work done and then work gets piled up. i have no time for church or other activities leh. i mean. i guess i sleep too much. i need lotsa sleep lah. or sometimes i am discouraged and i go take a break and lie down and every time i just sleep all the way till morning and don't get my homework finish. sigh. help me stay strong.

and i'm having a big freak-out over tomorrow's performance. sigh. useless freak, mel.

those three words. they trigger my tears. i broke down today. at the counsellor's office. i know it's dumb. it's only the second day of school. but i feel so overwhelmed. i cried a little yesterday night. i thought i got over myself. but then came today. just more stress. and the same career-crisis issue that i still have no grasp of. what do you want? are you happy? what will make you happy? and my replies as usual: i am not happy. i hate my course. i hate my life. i want to sing. you're having delusions of grandeur, mel.